Read Max is, of course, a celebrated newsletter, a lifestyle brand, a huge career mistake, often late, etc. etc. but it is also, sometimes, a media newsletter, and, on occasion, a place for keen minds to sharpen their wits on devious puzzles of logic and trivia. This week’s edition of Read Max—fans will be ecstatic to learn—is a “classic Read Max Puzzler™” with a media bent: a special quiz to test your memory of celebrity profiles of the last year or so.
Here at Read Max HQ we have noticed (and are not alone in having noticed) that a certain style of headline has recently become the default for celebrity profiles and interviews. You know: “CELEBRITY_NAME Is Here For It.” “CELEBRITY_NAME Doesn’t Have Time For This.” “CELEBRITY_NAME Is Ready to Take a Bow.” While the form of the sentence headline is not by any means a new innovation in magazine journalism (probably the most celebrated celebrity profile of all time was called “Frank Sinatra Has a Cold”), its examples have slowly, over the last few years, taken on an exquisitely vacant neutrality—an oddly fascinating, almost mannerist blankness that is as thrilling as it is alienating. Nevertheless, while the style no doubt has its uses in the age of SEO, celebrity social-media accounts, and stan armies, it does present certain problems: It can be difficult to remember, e.g., which celebrity “is ready to play by her own rules” and which “is ready for a new life.”
But perhaps you are built different. What better way to test your media diet, your memory, and your ability to process these headlines, than with a quiz?
Can you match the celebrity to the profile headline?
The headlines
Is Doing Great, Thanks
Is in Control
Is Unafraid to Face Industry Injustice
Is a Force to Be Reckoned With
Is Dead Serious
Doesn’t Care If You Like Him
Doesn't Care if You Can't See Him
Has Heard It All
Is Done Being Quiet
Is Speaking
Speaks to the Moment
Comes into Her Own
Is Ready to Play By Her Own Rules
Is Ready to Tell You Who She Is
Is Ready for a New Life
Is Directing This Movie
Has Always Understood the Assignment
Was Right All Along
Deserves An Apology. But She Doesn’t Want One.
Gets What She Wants
Figured It Out on the Way
Is Feeling It
Is Feeling It All
Is Finally Feeling It
Is Keeping Busy
Is Doing the Most
Are Doing the Most
Is Not Signing Off Just Yet
Is Here Now
The celebrities
A. Tara Reid
B. Kodi Smit-McPhee
C. Sophie Turner
D. J. Smith Cameron
E. Sandra Oh
F. Tkay Maidza
G. Adam Driver
H. Jodie Turner-Smith and Joshua Jackson
I. Owen Wilson
J. Huma Abedin
K. Shonda Rhimes
L. Arlo Parks
M. Shannen Doherty
N. Phoebe Robinson
O. John Cena
P. Emma Roberts
Q. Jamie Dornan
R. Alicia Keys
S. Betty Gilpin
T. Gigi Hadid
U. Lyyke Li
V. Kristen Chenoweth
W. Hilary Duff
X. Kehlani
Y. Jonathan Bailey
Z. Kourtney Kardashian
AA. Gal Gadot
BB. Parker Posey
CC. Spencer Pratt
Stumped? Click here1 (or scroll down) to see the answers!
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"It can be difficult to remember, e.g., which celebrity “is ready to play by her own rules” and which “is ready for a new life.” "
Is any of this occurring in the off-world colonies? My media consumption may be poor, but it's not hopelessly vacant; besides, I was too busy noticing the maybe five or six headline changes on a given moderately centrist right-wing oped, which were presumably undertaken for the purpose of getting me to read the right-wing oped and agree that Republicans really should win all the elections because everyone loves money, right? - they just shouldn't be rude about it.
"Stumped?"
Phileas T. Flabbergast Once Ate the Heart of a Baby Seal
Justin N'Goyen Died On Set But Is Enjoying Being All Over Your TV
Lauren Pendergast Didn't Love Losing a Foot to an Angry Oscelot
&c.
elm
the dude's shirt said, 'i'm not saying i hate you but i would unplug your life support to charge my phone'
Max Read is listing your stupid headlines and sipping iced tea. And probably has a cold.