This I vow to you, David Zaslav, you blackguard, you wretch: only one Max will survive

An official statement on the rebranding of Warner Bros. Discovery's streaming service

It has recently been brought to the attention of Read Bonehouse, Inc., the New York-based parent company of the Read Max family of newsletter-focused media brands, that “HBO Max” will soon rebrand as, simply, “Max.” The reason for this change is that the “HBO Max” streaming subscription service is merging with the “Discovery+” streaming subscription service, and Warner Bros. Discovery, which owns both, has concluded that the “HBO” branding might mislead consumers into believing that the content available on the service is “good,” as opposed to merely “there.” As Julia Alexander of Parrot Analytics put it to the New York Times:

“Dropping HBO from the name is cementing that ‘we’re not just a home for premium programming,’” Ms. Alexander said. “‘We’re the home for anything you want to watch.’”

Naturally, many people are clamoring for me, in my capacity as Chief Content Officer of Read Max, and my capacity as a person named Max, to make a statement about what is hard to see as anything but crude attempt by Warner Bros. Discovery and its CEO David Zaslav¹ to “draft” on the “slipstream” of the invaluable brand equity of the beloved and critically acclaimed Read Max newsletter, which, unlike the imposter streaming app “Max,” is a consistently profitable and fully sustainable subscription business.

Read Max is, unfortunately, placed in a difficult position with respect to business and legal strategy: On the one hand it is arguably “beneath us” to respond to naked clout-chasing on the part of fly-by-night media business like Warner Bros. Discovery. Surely we risk a “Streisand Effect,” essentially giving free publicity to this streaming service, if we provide a response?

On the other hand, Read Max’s brand is at stake. What if confused potential subscribers come to believe that television series such as K Street or 1st and Ten or Dr. Pimple Popper were the creations and intellectual property of the Read Max subscription newsletter? Conversely, what if people began to attribute the high-quality weekly newsletters published by Read Max to the Warner Bros. Discovery family of brands? Obviously we would like to avoid this kind of extremely sticky legal/reputational situation, and are considering all options, including lawsuits, letter-writing campaigns, corporate espionage, doing nothing at all, etc. In the meantime, as we strategize a proper response, I have prepared a statement to be disseminated in the media.

Read Max Statement on the Announcement of Warner Bros. Discovery Streaming Service “Max”

David Zaslav, you reprobate, you villain, I tell you now: Your pathetic folly of a streaming service makes a mockery of my name, of my newsletter, and of God, and you will rue the day you chose it as the umbrella brand for your media conglomerate’s various streaming offerings.

You must understand it brings me no joy to tell you this, but there can be no peace between us. There is no “deal” to be reached, no “agreement” that can last. There is something important you forgot, something that your spreadsheets cannot tell you and your board meetings cannot address: There can only be one Max and Read Max is not going anywhere.

Hear me now, Zaslav, you snake in the grass: “Max” will burn. I need do nothing to effect this outcome; it is, simply, inevitable. If you do not rename this streaming service, you will become a laughingstock in the worlds of media, entertainment, and email newsletters, and your humiliating retreat from this act of unfathomable hubris (naming your streaming service “Max”) will be taught in business schools, if future business professors can even manage to speak your name without bile rising in their throats.

Your honors and titles are meaningless to me. Do you think you can intimidate me because you are a 2017 inductee into the Cable Hall of Fame? Do you think your Fred Dressler Leadership Award, given to you by the Syracuse University S. I. Newhouse School of Public Communications, will save you? Don’t make me laugh.

When the time comes, you will wish you had never heard the name “Max”--and yet it will still ring bitterly in your wretched ears forevermore, a whispered tribute to my victory. Read Max was here before “Max,” and--Zaslav!--I promise you this: It will be here after “Max.” I look forward with pleasure to your capitulation.

1. No doubt Zaslav’s grasping flunkies believe that they can simply buy off a simple man such as myself. And certainly, out of respect, I would allow my legal representation to hear appropriate offers, in the five-figure-and-above range. But this is not simply about money, though, again, if Warner Bros. Discovery were to offer me, say, $50,000, I would feel compelled, out of respect, to consider the offer. It is about integrity.